A Baby…..

Today I will share with all of you something I’ve kept to myself for a long time.  Only a few people in my life knew about it including the father of the baby. I have kept quiet because I didn’t feel it was anyone’s business to know. But as I sat and reflected over the past two weeks I decided to share with you my story.  I am sure there are hundreds of women whom also keep silent due to shame and feel guilty they caused this to happen.

I lost a baby earlier this year. I was in denial for a few weeks just telling myself I was bloated and that is why I was looking the way I did. I would wake up craving weird things I hated like Milano cookies (BARF) or lemonade which I loathe! So I knew something wasn’t right. My boyfriend at the time was out to sea and I didn’t want to tell him the symptoms I was feeling as he didn’t need stress added onto stress. But as the weeks passed and yet I had no cycle I knew something was off. At first I thought OK I have PCOS so maybe its symptoms from it. I left it at that. As the weeks kept passing by and he was out to sea I was hitting the gym hard and seeing zero results. I kept asking my best friend if maybe I could be pregnant and we both laughed and said no way! Not with my PCOS being so severe there is a very low chance of that ever happening and if it did, it would be a miracle. As my boyfriend returned from being out to sea and we saw each other again he asked me “Are you pregnant” which I immediately said “OMG NO! I am bloated” he asked again “Are you sure? Do you want me to go get you a test to just make sure?” I said “E…I am really stressed out and therefore this has made my cycle go out of sync” he laughed and said “OK, but I still say let’s make sure” but we left it at that. As I was driving home I asked my best friend if I should just stop and buy a test to see what it would read. Her response was one that to this day makes me giggle “Well, duh! go get one I mean damn you are weeks late” I stopped on the way home and just threw it in my room and said to myself I’m not pregnant so I won’t take it. At 3am like clock work I got up to of course pee, you know the lovely peeing in the middle of the night? So I rushed grabbed the test and went back to bed. I left it there on the table in my bathroom and when I woke up at 5:30am, to get ready to go to work there it was 2 bright lines showing I was indeed pregnat. My initial reaction was “HOLY SHIT HOW THE HELL IS THIS POSSIBLE WITH PCOS” but it happened. I texted my boyfriend and told him to call me when he woke up as I didn’t want to wake him. To my surprise he was already awake. He immediately called me and asked me what was wrong. I said.. “Well, babe, we are pregnant” He said “What?” I said “Yes, we are most certainly pregnant let me send you the photos of the test”…a minute later he calls and says “Wow, we are” we were both in shock. I immediately got an appointment to see my doctor (my amazing dr who delivered my youngest) she saw me and confirmed I was pregnant. I was almost 8 weeks. So what happened you may ask? I’m sure you already have figured it out by reading in between the lines….I miscarried. I was devastated. Just two days after finding out I was pregnant I lost my baby. I will never know if it was a boy or a girl. But I catch myself sometimes day dreaming about it. How would my 4th child would look? Have his daddy’s eyes? Smile? sense of humor? My fashionista sense? My hair color? My lips? My sassyness? I think about it and then remember I have an angel in heaven who is being loved and held by my uncle. I can see my uncle in heaven holding my baby and signing to the baby sweet lullabies.  I find comfort in knowing that someday when I pass onto the next life I will see my baby boy or girl and hold him or her in  my arms and say you are perfect as I always envisioned you to be.

Miscarriage is something that is not spoken about. So many women hold off talking about it because of the pain it causes. I understand that pain all too well. It is not our fault that we lost our babies. There are things we can’t control. As I went back for a follow up appointment in mid April, I asked my Dr what caused this. I started blaming myself and going down the list of things that I thought I caused myself and E. to lose the baby. She held my hand and said its none of those things. Sometimes things happen because they’re meant to. Sometimes angels are called back home because they are too good for this cruel world. I cried with her as she held me and allowed me to cry and get it all out of my system….Then she said “You are a strong woman. I have seen you for 13 years, and you took amazing care of yourself with your last full term pregnancy.  Its nothing you did” then she asked “Do you want to know when you conceived your child” I asked in a giggle as I cleaned up my tears….”Is that possible? To actually have an accurate date of conception” She said “Yes, do you want want to know?” I said “YES” very loudly. She pulled out the computer and said “OK, this is your due date 9/23/17, so you conceived on 12/31/2016” I laughed and said “OK, well, wow that is accurate” I asked her if it could have been twins (since it runs strong on my side) she said “No, why do you ask” I said “Well, I was showing a lot, and fast for no reason” she then giggle and said “Well, its your 4th, your uterus is stretched from carrying and giving natural birth to 3 previous children, and you were 15lbs heavier from your last visit, therefore you were bound to show faster than a normal female who has never had children, or maybe just  had 2” My doctor to this day has been an angel from God! She randomly checks in to see how I am doing. I couldn’t be more grateful for such an amazing doctor.

So today I am grieving the loss of my 4th child. My little angel who I never held, nor met but knew that he/she was loved. So my sweet angel know that your mommy loves you and I know your daddy loves you so much too. I know your dad and I took your loss hard. We never really spoke about it because of the shock. But I will now share my story, I know I didn’t go through this to just dwell on the pain, but to help other mommies just like myself to heal and not blame themselves for the passing of a sweet angel.

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Dolled Up

Sometimes I forget that I am woman. How can one forget right? Well, life. A busy life where its the 9-5 job, and the waking up early for breakfast for the kids and planning dinner before heading to the office, that is my life on a daily with no help. As you all know I have no family in the South therefore its the kids and I living alone and surviving. This week had been hectic, and its only Thursday. My family lives in Puerto Rico, they just went through Hurricane Irma, now they got a direct hit from Hurricane Maria. It has now been over 48hrs and no communication whatsoever. To say I am worried that would be an understatement. The entire country has no power, therefore no communication in nor out. I pray these days go fast where I can hear my parents say “We’re OK, we made it” Then I’ll breathe a sigh of relief.

The other night as the kids fell asleep I thought to myself just get dolled up- for no reason just do it. Who cares that you don’t have a date, nor anyone to come see you, just do it. So I did. It felt amazing to sit at my makeup desk and get all dolled up as I use to do daily when I went to Sephora to work. I worked for Sephora for over 3 years, the best 3 years of my life! They were fun and I learned a lot. I became a certified makeup artist and one huge perk to working for Sephora? Gratas! Yes, where monthly you get free makeup by taking a mandatory course to keep your job. So I pulled out all the goodies and here is a list of all items used and a photo. Makeup doesn’t have to be hard, just enjoy the process of getting dolled up even if you have no where to go. I still remember my former boss telling me “Practice truly does make perfect, but remember makeup is fun not perfection”…truer words have never been spoken!

  1. Makeup Forever Matte Primer for my face
  2. Kat Von D Concealer for under eyes, around nose and imperfect areas
  3. Smashbox eyeshadow primer
  4. Makeup Forever  eye shadow in the shade “Plumb”
  5. Makeup Forever eye shadow in “Gold”
  6. Foundation: Kat Von D in 48 light
  7. Too Faced contour in Chocolate Soleil
  8. Blush by Wet & Wild: 80’s Style
  9. Highlight by Becca & Jaclyn Hill: Champagne Pop.
  10. Lashes: House of Lashes in “Everlasting”
  11. Eyelash Glue: “DUO”
  12. Lipstick: Maybeline “Rose pink”
  13. Makeup Setter: Urban Decay “All Nighter”

Dodged Hurricane Irma

To say we got lucky is an understatement! We dodged being hit head on as predicted by Hurricane Irma.  We did get hit pretty hard where we lost one of the most beloved restaurants in Charleston, California Dreaming. It flooded, then caught fire. It was sad to see such a beautiful restaurant go up in flames. It was a big loss for us in Charleston.

We did get the back end of the hurricane and we had a lot of flooding, tornado’s (which I never experienced) and wind gusts up to 60-80mph. It was a scary day where I had to keep the kids calm and remind them that everything would be fine that mommy was here. As night approached things started to die down and I felt a bit more at ease, never the less my nerves were wrecked from tornado’s popping up from downtown Charleston all the way up to Summerville and Ladson. There are so many things happening around us that it is scary. Its not just Irma, now we have Hurricane Jose and now Hurricane Maria approaching my homeland of Puerto Rico as a Cat 5 hurricane. I don’t think my family can take anymore. And now here in the East coast we have to keep an eye out on yet another hurricane.

Life has been busy to say the least. The kids are finally back to school after having 3 days off due to Hurricane Irma. I am back to work. I am back to regular mommy mode with working, homework, cooking, cleaning, etc.. Have I not said this before? Can you single mommy’s agree with me on this…being a single momma is no easy task!!! Let’s hope this next Hurricane, Hurricane Maria stays away from us. I don’t want to endure another storm again!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Lori

Preparing for Hurricane Irma

So here we are 5 days out of possibly getting hit head on with a possible Category 3 or 4 Hurricane. Hurricane Irma is slamming my home island of Puerto Rico, as I write this blog. My parents, Grandparents, Cousins, Aunts and Uncles and childhood friends are all still in Puerto Rico, they’re troopers to say the least! Communication has been limited this afternoon. I at times can get through, others I can’t. When I can is a quick 2 minute conversation and its a broken up one as I can’t make out what they’re saying, but I piece it together as good as I can.  As of this morning they have had no water nor lights. Luckily my parents have gone through a lot of Hurricanes including Hugo and Andrew. They have generators to give them power, plenty of water and food and of course they stocked up on their medication. Thus far they are OK and more concerned with the kids and I getting struck with Hurricane Irma, early on next week.

If you are a Charleston native, or just lived in Charleston in the last year I am sure you remember Hurricane Matthew. It came in as a Category 1 and the havoc it gave us as a Category 1 was enough to scare us. I lost power for 3 days and having two kids to entertain was no easy task. As one is a teenager and the other was just 8 years old at the time.  I am originally from Puerto Rico. I finished growing up in Florida. I experienced hurricanes in both countries, and I can tell you Florida is by far better equipped than South Carolina, when it comes to hurricanes and here are my reasons. Florida has a better drain system, specially for massive catastrophic storms. Their homes are built to withstand strong hurricanes. They evacuate ahead of time, but don’t let Floridians fool you we do tend to go crazy at the grocery stores and will fight for water, can goods, batteries, etc. As in SC we are more courteous. That is refreshing, but they also have the mentality of to each their own. As Irma approaches South Carolina, I am left with the decision do I allow the kids to head north with their dad and I stay behind alone in my apartment? Or do I leave with them and hope for the best upon my return?. My decision keeps leaning towards let him take the kids and head north and I stay behind to document the hurricane, but also stay at my house and keep an eye on my belongings. Yes, I know, I know, but you probably have renters insurance have you seen this massive storm? Yes, I am aware of how big it is and yes I do have renters insurance. I do live in a very secure neighborhood but I don’t trust easily. Once the power goes out and people know you are no longer inside your residence they likely will come in an loot. That’s my fear.

So here is to you Hurricane Irma, I hope you pass us quickly and leave us with little damage. As it approaches us I will update the blog more and more. I leave you with this photo published by CNN from the Hurricane Center. This photo speaks for itself!

BYE IRMA #PrayforPR #BYEIRMA #YOUARENOTWELCOMEHERE

 

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Being a single mom isn’t easy!

Today was a rough day.  As I came home from work and sat in traffic a familiar tune came on my radio station.  It was Garth Brooks and his song “To make you feel my love”, it came on I lost it. That was my wedding song.  It all the sudden hit me. I am a single mom and have been for a while now but wow how have I manged so much and maintained strength through so many trails I’ve endured? I heard the song, shed a tear and kept driving.

As I picked up my son from school and came home I don’t know what really happened but the tears all of the sudden started to pour down my face in the bathroom as I was running water for a hot bubble bath. I stood in front of the mirror watching my mascara run down and the tears were fast and heavy. I stood there and said to myself “You are a warrior, you can do this” and then more tears. It all hit me and hit me hard. I no longer have a husband. I no longer have a boyfriend either. I have myself, and while that is enough at times, it hurts to not have anyone to run to and just cry to. Someone to hold me and say “My love, I’m here” I had that once and now its gone. I allowed a lot of snakes into my relationship and they ruined it. While this time alone has helped me grow into a new person, a strong woman I still long to have that partnership where we are enough for one another and we can tell the world to go screw themselves!

As Fall approaches a lot of things are coming that I do not want to face. My due date is coming up and I will be reminded that day that I would have been holding a baby in my arms and hearing sweet cries in the middle of the night. I also have to face a date in October that will be hard for me. And then as Winter approaches I have to face the one (1) year anniversary of my uncle’s death which I still can’t process because it was beyond traumatic and unexpected in my life. So see, while I am single and I am free to date and don’t have anyone to answer to, I hurt deep inside and long for that! For someone to come home to and say “Honey, I’m home”…….I know someday I’ll have that again. I know that every single tear I shed will be replaced with a smile. So for now I’ll allow myself to once in a while not be Wonder Woman 24/7, and cry when needed. I have a tendency to not cry, I don’t show emotions very well and that’s just a defense mechanism. I’ve always been that way…but once someone can tear down the wall around my heart they have all of me!

Don’t ever let anyone tell you who isn’t a single mom that being a single woman and a mom at that is easy. Its not! We make it look easy but our hustle game is strong. We do what we have to do in order to survive and give our babies everything and anything.

Leave me a comment below if you are a single momma going through the same shit!

Love,

Lori XOXO

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This Heat

Can Charleston please get a break? This heat is absolutely ridiculous! I am ready for Fall, who isn’t? While we live in the most popular and beautiful city in the United States, it is without a doubt horrible here in the Summertime. Why do tourist think that Charleston is so amazing in Summer? Good Lord come at Christmas when you can still wear shorts and then you won’t melt! You can go to the beach and try to find relief but chances are you will be there 30 minutes tops and say to your self “Screw this” and run right back to your car blasting the AC at a thousand below zero to feel some sort of relief from the damn heat. The AC in my apartment goes none stop making my light bill almost unobtainable to pay. I am ready for the boots, scarfs, sweatshirts and jeans! That’s my style and that is where I am comfortable at in life is the Fall season! The temperatures slowly falling and I love to sit and watch everything go from green to beautiful yellow and red/burgundy. So to Mother Nature I say bring us some damn RELIEF from this God awful heat!

Done with my rant for the day. I’m just ready for Fall temperatures.

 

Our Eclipse = Epic Fail

The morning started normal, heavy traffic, accidents everywhere and then we had a sink hole happen in North Charleston, yes you read that correctly a sink hole…today out of all days. What a perfect day for an eclipse I thought to myself, while laughing inside. Oh the Low Country never fails us when it comes to the daily disasters of getting to and from work. Everyone got to their destinations and all government offices closed early for employees to get to their loved ones to watch this once in a lifetime event. The beaches were packed and stadiums across the Charleston area.

The meteorologist had forecast rain for us today that went from a 30% (on Saturday)  to 50% this morning  and we all hoped we could view the eclipse in a clear sky.  That was not the case for myself, nor my children. As we awaited the eclipse to take place a thunderstorm decided to grace us with its presence blocking the view of seeing the eclipse taking place. What we got to see was total darkness and then the sun was out again. Don’t get me wrong experiencing a total blackout was very breathtaking. I heard crickets around me once it was truly dark, no sunlight whatsoever.  The one thing I was looking forward to seeing were the stars and due to the clouds we couldn’t see them. There were some people in the Charleston area who did get to experience it fully and those were the ones that were not under the thunderstorm, i.e. Isle of Palms, Folly Beach, Mt. Pleasant. As for those of us in the more north part of Charleston, i.e. Summerville, Ladson, North Charleston, Goose Creek, Hanahan, etc… we didn’t get the full view due to heavy clouds and heavy downpours. But once again I say the total blackout was by far the best thing I’ve witness thus far! I will share a few photos of how the sky looked for us but unfortunately I do not have photos of the blackout. I  do have a video which I will upload in another post. All in all, it was a good day but Mother Nature did us an epic fail moment by bringing in a thunderstorm just right before the event we had all anxiously waited for the Eclipse