Today I will share with all of you something I’ve kept to myself for a long time. Only a few people in my life knew about it including the father of the baby. I have kept quiet because I didn’t feel it was anyone’s business to know. But as I sat and reflected over the past two weeks I decided to share with you my story. I am sure there are hundreds of women whom also keep silent due to shame and feel guilty they caused this to happen.
I lost a baby earlier this year. I was in denial for a few weeks just telling myself I was bloated and that is why I was looking the way I did. I would wake up craving weird things I hated like Milano cookies (BARF) or lemonade which I loathe! So I knew something wasn’t right. My boyfriend at the time was out to sea and I didn’t want to tell him the symptoms I was feeling as he didn’t need stress added onto stress. But as the weeks passed and yet I had no cycle I knew something was off. At first I thought OK I have PCOS so maybe its symptoms from it. I left it at that. As the weeks kept passing by and he was out to sea I was hitting the gym hard and seeing zero results. I kept asking my best friend if maybe I could be pregnant and we both laughed and said no way! Not with my PCOS being so severe there is a very low chance of that ever happening and if it did, it would be a miracle. As my boyfriend returned from being out to sea and we saw each other again he asked me “Are you pregnant” which I immediately said “OMG NO! I am bloated” he asked again “Are you sure? Do you want me to go get you a test to just make sure?” I said “E…I am really stressed out and therefore this has made my cycle go out of sync” he laughed and said “OK, but I still say let’s make sure” but we left it at that. As I was driving home I asked my best friend if I should just stop and buy a test to see what it would read. Her response was one that to this day makes me giggle “Well, duh! go get one I mean damn you are weeks late” I stopped on the way home and just threw it in my room and said to myself I’m not pregnant so I won’t take it. At 3am like clock work I got up to of course pee, you know the lovely peeing in the middle of the night? So I rushed grabbed the test and went back to bed. I left it there on the table in my bathroom and when I woke up at 5:30am, to get ready to go to work there it was 2 bright lines showing I was indeed pregnat. My initial reaction was “HOLY SHIT HOW THE HELL IS THIS POSSIBLE WITH PCOS” but it happened. I texted my boyfriend and told him to call me when he woke up as I didn’t want to wake him. To my surprise he was already awake. He immediately called me and asked me what was wrong. I said.. “Well, babe, we are pregnant” He said “What?” I said “Yes, we are most certainly pregnant let me send you the photos of the test”…a minute later he calls and says “Wow, we are” we were both in shock. I immediately got an appointment to see my doctor (my amazing dr who delivered my youngest) she saw me and confirmed I was pregnant. I was almost 8 weeks. So what happened you may ask? I’m sure you already have figured it out by reading in between the lines….I miscarried. I was devastated. Just two days after finding out I was pregnant I lost my baby. I will never know if it was a boy or a girl. But I catch myself sometimes day dreaming about it. How would my 4th child would look? Have his daddy’s eyes? Smile? sense of humor? My fashionista sense? My hair color? My lips? My sassyness? I think about it and then remember I have an angel in heaven who is being loved and held by my uncle. I can see my uncle in heaven holding my baby and signing to the baby sweet lullabies. I find comfort in knowing that someday when I pass onto the next life I will see my baby boy or girl and hold him or her in my arms and say you are perfect as I always envisioned you to be.
Miscarriage is something that is not spoken about. So many women hold off talking about it because of the pain it causes. I understand that pain all too well. It is not our fault that we lost our babies. There are things we can’t control. As I went back for a follow up appointment in mid April, I asked my Dr what caused this. I started blaming myself and going down the list of things that I thought I caused myself and E. to lose the baby. She held my hand and said its none of those things. Sometimes things happen because they’re meant to. Sometimes angels are called back home because they are too good for this cruel world. I cried with her as she held me and allowed me to cry and get it all out of my system….Then she said “You are a strong woman. I have seen you for 13 years, and you took amazing care of yourself with your last full term pregnancy. Its nothing you did” then she asked “Do you want to know when you conceived your child” I asked in a giggle as I cleaned up my tears….”Is that possible? To actually have an accurate date of conception” She said “Yes, do you want want to know?” I said “YES” very loudly. She pulled out the computer and said “OK, this is your due date 9/23/17, so you conceived on 12/31/2016” I laughed and said “OK, well, wow that is accurate” I asked her if it could have been twins (since it runs strong on my side) she said “No, why do you ask” I said “Well, I was showing a lot, and fast for no reason” she then giggle and said “Well, its your 4th, your uterus is stretched from carrying and giving natural birth to 3 previous children, and you were 15lbs heavier from your last visit, therefore you were bound to show faster than a normal female who has never had children, or maybe just had 2” My doctor to this day has been an angel from God! She randomly checks in to see how I am doing. I couldn’t be more grateful for such an amazing doctor.
So today I am grieving the loss of my 4th child. My little angel who I never held, nor met but knew that he/she was loved. So my sweet angel know that your mommy loves you and I know your daddy loves you so much too. I know your dad and I took your loss hard. We never really spoke about it because of the shock. But I will now share my story, I know I didn’t go through this to just dwell on the pain, but to help other mommies just like myself to heal and not blame themselves for the passing of a sweet angel.